Life Sucks Then You Die
by sonicfan777
Summary: Ben Wonderson is a self-proclaimed "superhero" who lives in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Ned Bratton is a shady drug dealer in Portland, Maine with an even shadier past. These two men and their seemingly unrelated stories are brought together in an unexpected way once they meet the infamous duo Jay and Silent Bob, who lead these two newcomers on a bizarre drug-fueled adventure.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 / Ben

Benjamin Wonderson was a man who lived in the small town of Goodork, New Mexico. He loved him a fresh owl for dinner, but since those were hard to find in the desert, he often ate rats instead.

He cooked up many rats at a time, up to 19, and ate them right from the cauldron. Man, he could eat 30 in one night. He was not a skinny man. He grew to love rats eventually, and ate them and ate them until he got so fat he could barely move at all. He ate so many that he forgot what owls taste like.

 _Owls taste good,_ he thought, _But rats are much better. They have kind of a zesty flavor. No wait... rats taste funky. But funky in a good way._

One day, Benjamin decided to go into the city to buy a new shirt. He hated Santa Fe, but it would have to do. He was badly in need of a new shirt. All of his old ones were either ripped or stained with rat blood. So he took the bus to Santa Fe.

When he got there he looked for a good clothing store. First, he tried Men's Wearhouse, but all the shirts were about $100. Then he went to Joseph A. Bank. They always seemed to be having a sale. They were currently having a "National Sales Day Sale." _All shirts, pants, sports jackets, suits, and belts 50% off. Only at Joseph A Bank._ Benjamin remembered seeing the commercial on TV. He went in and purchased a good shirt for $49.99. But all of a sudden, a man wearing a ski mask came in and waved a gun around. "Everybody! On the floor! Hands behind your head! NOW! Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt." He went up to one of the cashiers. "Open the register! You heard me! OPEN IT!" Ben, in the meantime, had gotten up and crept up behind the robber. He slugged the robber in the back of the head with his fist. The robber fell down from the blow and dropped his pistol. Ben pulled off the robber's mask. "Doug Dimmwitt. Knew it," said Ben.

"Ben Wonderson. Should'a known." said Doug. "You ain't gonna stop me this time." He reached for his pistol, but Ben kicked his arm, breaking it.

"You...you broke my arm, damn you superhero!" Doug exclaimed.

"I'm no superhero, just someone who's a little...above average." Benjamenki replied.

"Yeah, ok, Sportacus, go back to Lazy Town." said Doug mockingly.

"Sorry, I don't do children's television. I just kick criminals' asses."

They fought an intense fight. Doug picked up the gun and fired 3 shots. One shattered a front window, the second went through a mannequin, and the third knocked a hat off the shelf. Ben pulled an AK-47 assault rifle out of his man-purse and inserted a fresh magazine.

"Don't worry, although I'm not licensed to kill, I do have a learner's permit," said Ben.

Doug pulled out an M4 carbine with about a million attachments from his bag. "Bring it," he said. Ben was the first to fire, but Doug ducked under the spray of bullets.

"Good gun, but a bit out-dated," said Doug, "Feel the wrath of modern technology. This one has a computer targeting system that I invented myself."

He was so busy bragging that he didn't even notice Ben creeping up behind him. Doug boasted on and on, "And it also has one of those laser thingies. I love those. And a grenade launcher. Oh and did I mention the laser?" Smash! Suddenly, Ben knocked Doug's M4 to the ground. Something inside it shattered. He jumped up and down on it, and heard several shattering and crunching noises. "NOOOOOOOO!" exclaimed Doug. "You will pay for this, Wonderson! PAY! In fact you owe me 50 THOUSAND DOLLARS for the damage!"

"How about I take you out to dinner instead? I'll give you a swift serving of justice!" said Ben heroically. And with that, he kicked Doug right into the approaching police cars. They arrested Doug. "Don't forget, you still owe me 50 thousand dollars! FIFTY THOUSAND!" shouted Doug as he was shoved into the back of the police car. "And you're under arrest, too, Mr. Wonderson." said the Police Sergeant.

"ME?! WHY?" exclaimed Ben in shock.

"You pulled out a gun and opened fire right in the middle of Joseph A. Bank. You put hundreds of innocent lives in danger. And you hurt poor Doug Dimmwitt's arm." said the sergeant. Ben was shoved in the back of a police car and driven away.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 / Ben Goes to Court

Benjamin, or Ben for short, was sentenced to 3 years in Santa Fe County Jail. He was to be released in 2015. He was excited for that because that was the year Marty arrived in the future in Back to the Future II. Ben was a huge nerd. He made it very clear to the judge as well.

"Quiet, nerd!" shouted the judge, "Or I will add an extra year to your sentence. Just like I'm the reason you got held back for a year in High School!"

The realization shocked Ben. "Wait… Chad Douchinson?" he said in disbelief.

"Hey!" shouted the judge. "That's "The Honorable Judge Chadwick A. Douchinson" or "Your Honor" to you! But yes, it's me! Chad! You were such a dork in high school. What did we call you? Oh yeah! Wonderdork!"

Ben raged internally. The day before graduation, Chad had punched him so hard he got knocked back a whole year. Thus, Ben had to repeat 12th grade.

Finally, he couldn't contain himself any longer. "FUCK YOU CHAD!" shouted Ben. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS! Actually, you WILL pay! $40,000 for my college tuition for the year that I missed while I was repeating 12th grade!"

"ORDER!" shouted Chad, banging his gavel. "ORDER IN THE COURT! Benjamin Wonderson, you will now be remanded into the custody of the Santa Fe County Sheriff's Department and transported to the Santa Fe County Jail! Bailiff, remove the prisoner from the courtroom!"

"C'mon, Wonderdork," said the Bailiff, who had also gone to High School with Ben. "Off to your dork cage!"

At the jail, he and a few other new inmates were introduced to the prison chief of staff, who was played by Diego Klattenhoff, who also played Ressler on NBC's hit show The Blacklist.

"I am Captain Hodgson, and I am the prison chief of staff!" he said. "You will refer to me only as sir! Do I make myself clear?"

"Sir, yes sir!" everyone shouted.

"Wait!" said Ben. "Did you say your name was Hodgson? as in Johnny Hodgson, uh… sir?"

"Quiet, inmate!" shouted Captain Hodgson. "My personal life is of no concern to you! Talk like that will have you put in Ad-Seg! That's what you low-lifes know as Solitary Confinement! Wait..." he stopped and looked at his clipboard. "Benjamenki Wonderson…" he read and laughed. "Well, well, well, we meet again… Wonderdork!"

Johnny Hodgson had been Chad Douchinson's main goon in high school.

"Listen up, inmates!" Captain Hodgson announced, gesturing toward Ben. "This is what you call a dork! When you see a dork, what do you do? You beat the shit out of him! I want you all to take every opportunity to beat the shit out of this dork. Do you understand me?"

Ben could already tell what Prison would be like.


End file.
